okay pat passed out under dana's car
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
