I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
