go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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