Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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