The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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