New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize