my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
