you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
