Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
