It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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