I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
