trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
God I need to hump something, right now.
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