Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
