nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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