Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
