When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
