2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
