you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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