I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
