Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
