Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
