My sheets look like a crime scene.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
