i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
