so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
