I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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