Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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