Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
