dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
