Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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