kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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