Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
