fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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