How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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