You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
