Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
