I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
