Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
