in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
