God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
