This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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