Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
