Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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