im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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