this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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