The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
