nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
