I cannot find my penis.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
