I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
