I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
