I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
