My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
